I used to hear my mom say that kids don’t come with manuals as I was growing up. Maybe your parents said the same thing. I’m older, and I know that was not true. Parenting books have always been a popular subject to publish on. She probably meant that it doesn’t matter how much you think you are prepared to raise a kid; every day feels like shit hit the fan.
In my case, I try to learn about parenting by reading books on the subject, paying attention to what other parents do, and doing the opposite Instagram monfluencers tell me to do. But there are always things that my daughters do that stop me cold in my tracks.
When Jovie was a baby and we took her away from her play because she needed a diaper change or a nap, she would get upset and flail her arms, sometimes hitting her mom. At first, we tried to create a pattern disruptor by asking her to take a deep breath and demonstrate what taking a deep breath looked like. Sometimes it was effective, and sometimes it wasn’t.
Then, we tried to model the behavior we wanted her to exhibit. So I’d demonstrate to her how we touch her mom. I would caress my wife’s face and explain that we always treat Mom gently. My daughter liked it and would, in turn, start being gentle with my wife. But it needed prompting.
Every time I saw her starting to get upset and flailing her arms when she was being picked up, I would step in and remind her to be gentle. Somehow, the prompt evolved to “doing a gentle,” which my wife hates because, let’s be honest, it sounds freaky-deaky.
Doing a gentle is a very effective prompt, but it doesn’t always work because that’s how it is. Kids have a mind of their own even at a very early age. Who knew? Well, other parents and parenting books, but who is paying attention to those?
As with everything else, when it comes to parenting philosophies, we all tend to gravitate towards the things that resonate with us. On our parenting journey, my wife and I read and follow authors discussing the RIE method. If you are not familiar with RIE, then the closest thing to it that is more popular is the Montessori philosophy. Both philosophies are grounded on empowering kids to make their own decisions as if they were old souls reincarnated and they know everything there is to know about the world.
These methods are very different from those used by the one I owe the man I am today: my mom’s chancleta.
Gentle parenting is often criticized as an elitist type of education. It is indeed very white. Whenever my wife and I go to meetings, I am the only brown person there. It is basically a clan picnic but with children’s education and without the hate, obviously.
Something else that happens is that people buy into what it represents regarding status. They will pull up in their Tesla cyber trucks, drop buzzwords like “gentle,” “kind,” and “compassion,” and then scream at their kids because it is their fault they are late.
The most interesting part about RIE is not my cheap sociological observations but the friction from trying to teach kids concepts I don’t know yet.
One of the things they will focus on will be the concept of emotional regulation, and while I think that is great, I don’t know how to teach that when I struggle with emotional regulation myself. The books also talk about teaching your kid to eat until full. If there is filet mignon with blue cheese staring me in my face, but I’m full, I will power through it because I’m not a quitter. So, how would I teach that?
Finally, they promote the concept of sportscasting. It is exactly what it sounds like; you behave like a sportscaster to guide your kids through what is happening at the moment.
Sportscasting is hard for me — maybe because I am not big into watching sports. I don’t know how sportscasters behave, talk, or do things, let alone how they would parent. Maybe sports lovers have an unfair advantage because they can turn all those countless Sunday hours watching sports into parenting gold. Who knew wasting entire Sundays could prove productive in the end?
My wife is naturally gifted at sportscasting. I remember seeing her use the method whenever either of them took a tumble and hit themselves. It usually develops in the same way. One of my daughters takes a tumble; my wife squats, looks at my daughter in her eyes, and walks her through the entire event.
“It can be hard when we try something, and it doesn’t happen in the way that you anticipate it would happen. What happened here is that you lost your footing and hit yourself against the wall. I know it hurts, but I’m here to hug you.” Then my daughter hugs her. They cry. They laugh. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.
It looks a lot different when I try it. My daughter takes a tumble; I squat, look at my daughter in her eyes, and walk her through the entire event.
“It can be hard when we try something, and it doesn’t happen in the way that you anticipate it would happen. So, there’s this concept in physics called gravity. Actually, it’s a law, the law of gravity. You challenged the law of gravity, and you ate it. I’m not telling you that you need to follow the rules; you can break the rules. But what they say is you need to know the rules before you can break them. So maybe wait a little before you challenge gravity, but for now, stop that!”
I don’t know if that’s the way I’m doing it. That is the way it sounds to me that I’m doing it. I’m sure that when my daughters grow up, there will be new parenting guidelines, and I will fall short.
Hopefully, they will understand that I loved them, I did my best, and that kids don’t come with manuals.